Fighting For My Happy

Looking Back

     Recently, I looked back at parts of my life in an old journal.  Since I regularly keep journals, I periodically look back through them to see where I was at a particular time in my life. And at this point in my life, I was not in a good place.  I was in a place of rumination regarding what I didn’t have that I wanted. I was in a place of sadness because I felt alone. 

     As I read through my journal, I saw that it was filled with the emotion of someone I used to know.  I say that I used to know this person because I have tried my hardest in the past few years to mature beyond the need to wallow in my feelings. I realized a while back that wallowing in my feelings served me no purpose.  By wallowing in my feelings, I was not guarding my heart, as Proverbs 4:23 tells me to do…I was guarding my pain. 

“Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)1

Guarding my Pain

     Those journal entries revealed to me that I truly guarded my pain in certain areas of my life.  I believed that I was right in defending my feelings regarding marriage and family. I defended my feelings regarding what someone else had that I felt I deserved.  I made sure to protect my right to grieve another engagement.  In all honesty, I harbored feelings of entitlement because I felt justified in feeling this way. 

     I was getting older and surely, I had a right to feel discouraged.  Anyone who had prayed as hard as I have prayed is entitled to feel depressed. My biological clock was ticking, and I wanted a child. And so when someone else announced that they were pregnant, I internalized their joyous moment as my painful moment.  I asked myself, “Why is it still not my turn?” when I found out that someone else was expecting. 

Making the Decision

     As I flipped through these journal pages, I saw that I was guarding my pain and it was taking me nowhere. Once I realized that I was in a dead end cycle, I came to a conclusion:

I could continue to fight for my pain, 

or I could make a better choice.

     And so, I made a decision. I made a decision to fight for my happy.  I am determined to fight for my happy because I have given so much of my time and energy to the areas of lack that I perceive in my life. I have given time and energy to places that don’t deserve it. 

     Worrying about my future doesn’t create a positive environment for me to reside in.  Giving in to feelings of depression does nothing for my wellbeing.  Every time I look at the places that I perceive as empty and give those places power, I am robbing myself. I am robbing myself of happiness and joy. I am robbing myself of peace and contentment.

     I realize that fighting for my happy will not be easy. I realize that there will be times where I will feel a bit discouraged or sad. But that is okay.  I can have those momentary feelings but have decided not to wallow in them.  I will not wallow in those feelings because I am determined to fight for my happy. I am determined to guard my heart and protect it from the baggage that results from discontentment. I am determined to be fully aware, and make a better choice for my future.

1Unless otherwise indicated, scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™