When rejection comes knocking

Photo by: Favour Omoruyi

Fear of rejection has been one of the most prevailing themes in my life. It has taken me a while to recognize that this theme is one that lingers in the background.  That fear of being rejected can peek around the corner at any given moment.  And when I turn to face her, she may look different in form, but yet and still, I know it is her.  She may be clothed in a rejection letter from a potential employer.  She may be clothed in a non-response from someone you would like to befriend. Or, she may wear the clothes of someone you had a great first date with that never follows up with a second.  You see, she has an extensive wardrobe.

And I stand here, in this moment, amazed at her longevity over time.  You see, I have been looking at her for a while, my entire life really. I remember seeing her at 4 years old.  At that time she peeked around the corner and looked exactly like a little girl who wanted two little boys in her preschool to like her.  She wore the clothes of someone who asked if she was liked because she had her hair braided like the most popular girl in her class. 

And as I stand here in this moment, I am also amazed that this is one of the first memories that I have of my life. That pivotal moment in time solidified for me, and I held onto it. I held onto the need for acceptance and the desire to please someone, anyone who would validate me.  Anyone who would give me the checkmark, the “gold star”, or the thumbs up.  You see, I had internalized the need to find my way, to find myself through the eyes of others.  I so wanted to peek around the corner and see rejection coming at me in the form of a welcoming embrace.  But I never got that opportunity.

As I have gotten older, I see that dream of mine was but a mere fantasy.  Rejection has no way of knowing how to negate itself.  It can only take the form of what it is.  And I must accept that. But standing here in this space allows me to see that what I have wanted was not a bad thing. I just have gone about my quest for acceptance in the wrong manner.

And that is what I am starting to see as I stand in this moment.  Rejection came knocking on my door wanting to find me.  And she did for a very long time.  She has found me in my tears, in my striving for perfection, in my fog, and in my depressing thoughts.  But one day, I heard a whisper of something that sounded different.  The whisper simply said, “Turn your pain into your purpose.”

And I stand in this moment with a realization. I now realize that the one thing that has lingered in the background of my entire life is the one thing that now can be utilized for the good. I no longer have to stare at rejection like a fearful little girl.  I can take the necessary steps that allow rejection to make room for me and all that is my calling.  I can let rejection set the stage for an opportunity of healing.  This healing will not only take place within me, but potentially within the lives of others that may have been her victim as well.

And so I stand here in this moment amazed. Amazed at the fact that the illness that rejection caused, can provide the cure that is so needed.