Just in Case

 

Photo by: Neven Krcmarek

I was blessed to transition into a new job this week. A job that I prayed for, for about three and a half years. And now that this prayer has been answered, I found myself in a state of excitement, and joy, but also disbelief. I found myself struggling with the transition between who I was, and what I now am …two alternating perspectives of my identity.

My mind shifted between these two perspectives.  I tried to figure out why I was struggling with disbelief, in spite of this blessing. On one hand, I had the deepest gratitude to God for this blessing.  I was amazed at the provision He gave me during the time that preceded this new job.  However, in spite of my amazement, I found that there were slivers of disbelief lurking beneath the surface.  I liken this disbelief to an out of body experience. Let me share with you what I mean. 

Let’s say you are at an award’s ceremony, and they have just announced the winner.  You know that your name has been called, and you must come to the stage and receive the award. But even after you stand up, and start to walk towards the stage, you feel, somehow that they have called the wrong name.  You can’t believe that you are the recipient of such an honor.  It is as if you are seeing yourself receive something, but not really experiencing it yourself, first hand. This is what my out of body experience feels like.

And to some, you may be thinking that this is no big deal because once you get what you want, you should just be happy, and move forward.   In a sense, I agree with you. We should be grateful and move forward with new blessings. But in this instance, I had to dig a bit deeper and ask myself why I had this foreign feeling of being an imposter, in my own body.   And this is what I found…

I wanted to hold both my past, and my future with the same hands.

In order for me to fully capture what it is that God is now doing in my life, I have to let go. I can’t hold onto the older version of myself.  The older version is no longer needed. 

In spite of my belief that I was moving forward, I actually was not. I started the process of cutting away things associated with my old work life. However, I kept a pile of things associated with that old work life, “just in case”.  These things included old work manuals, old project lists, and old notes that were being stacked in a pile for “just in case”. 

When I sat and journaled my thoughts on why I was feeling a sense of disbelief, I began to see that this “just in case” mindset was part of the problem.  Don’t get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that transition takes time to process. Transition is like grieving, in a sense. It takes time to go through the stages of moving from one role in life to the next. 

However, if I am still holding onto items from my old work life, “just in case”, I have not fully relinquished myself from that role.  But, in order to make the transition, I needed to make a clean break.  Making a full transition required me to get rid of items that summoned me to the outdated version of myself.  So, even though this outdated version is only a week old, it is still out-of-date, expired.  Therefore, this expired version of me needed removal from my current environment.

I needed to take hold of this new version of myself in such a way that I embrace all that I am called to be in this moment.  You see, I believe that God calls us to be certain people in certain seasons. But in order to fully capture what God is calling me to do now, I have to set my eyes in a new direction and move forward.   I can’t look back, and I can’t hold onto any version of me that God is not calling me to be at this time.  In order to be obedient to this transition, I have to stand firm in my current identity and embrace it at all costs.

I do acknowledge that standing firm in the new calling will take time to adjust to.  I may grieve the loss of who I was because I saw myself in that role for quite some time. However, I must close the door to the former version of myself in order to open the door to the newest version of me.  I must get rid of all of the things that supported my former role because they are no longer needed.  Holding on to those things, “just in case” creates baggage that hinders my progress.

So, the lesson that I learned this week is that I can’t hold onto both my past, and my future with the same hands.  I am interested in finding out if you share in my experience. 

Where in your life are you struggling with transition, and letting go of the past?

What is God calling you to do? 

Why are you still holding onto your past in spite of His call to move forward?

Feel free to share your comments and stories. I look forward to hearing from you.