SoulMate-Part II: Analysis and Commentary

Prolonged singleness is often a hard topic to discuss. With a stigma attached to the topic, so many of us remain silent regarding where we may stand on certain issues.  However, I think that the documentary, SoulMate: Every Woman’s Journey to Finding True Love, brought to my attention stories of women that I could potentially connect with. 

Therefore, as a follow-up to my blog post of the same title, I wanted to venture forth with some questions on interesting parts of the documentary that stood out to me. I am posing these questions to myself, as an informal “self-interview”, and encourage you to do the same. I did not filter or organize my answers in a pre-scripted fashion.  Therefore, you will get a transparent look at how I view the topic. 

Finally, I really want to hear what you have to say about this topic.  Feel free to share in the comments section, your thoughts on these questions, as well as any part of the documentary that stood out to you.

1.    One participant in the documentary made the comment: “I am           embarrassed to tell people that I am single.”  Have you ever felt   that way?  If so, why?

My response:

“In all honesty, yes, I have felt the sting of sharing my relationship status with others.  It definitely depends upon the context and setting. However, I think that the ‘embarrassment, or shame’ part comes into play when I look at it from the aspect of something being wrong with me.  I infer that others may think that somehow I am flawed in the sense that my age and circumstances don’t match what one thinks it traditionally should.”

Also, I think that this somehow goes back to me accepting my life, as it is at this point.  I do struggle with the factor of contentment, and find that in spite of what may be in going on, the element of being content is a constant battle.”

2.    There was a reference in the commentary regarding “God putting the lonely in families.”  This reference comes from the Bible verse, Psalm 68:6: “God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”

How do you find "family" as a single person?

My response:

“Well, this is a harder question to answer than I would like to admit.  ‘Finding family’ and ‘God putting the lonely in family’ are probably two different contexts to think about. 

First, I would venture to say that this verse [Psalm 68: 6] definitely is one that I, or any single person could incorporate into his or her prayer life.   I think that as a single person, sometimes we dare not raise our hand and say that we feel lonely, at times, or wish to have a family.  There may be a lack of transparency in revealing this to others or even beginning to pray a prayer that incorporates the specific verses that speak to our situation.  I definitely have learned that being transparent, in spite of your perceived weaknesses, actually is very powerful.

Secondly, it is stated biblically, here in Psalm 68: 6, that God has a hand in this endeavor.   The reference to ‘families’ means, to me, that there is a wider lens upon which to view our landscape as singles.  The church body, the extended family unit, our community unit, and other groups and organization can serve a leading role in the aspect of one’s singleness, or “alone state”, for lack of a better description. However, I do think that we should challenge ourselves, as singles, to be more proactive in making this happen.

I am the first to raise my hand that sometimes I default on reaching out or moving forward to meet other people.  This failure to move forward socially is rooted in many things, including, but not limited to how I view myself, and what I have control over.  If we, as singles, don’t take stronger initiatives to seek out that which we desire…family and relationship… we will always come back to the same place…a perpetual state of loneliness.”

3.    One participant, Ta-Ning, mentioned that God was dealing with her regarding selfishness. 

Have you become accustomed to doing everything you want to do, when you want to do it? How have you been challenged in that area? Share an experience.

My response:

“Ok, to answer the first part of the question, yes, God has definitely been dealing, has dealt, and is still dealing with me regarding selfishness (smile). I think that this type of pruning from God will be lifelong for most of us because, by nature, the self-centered approach is our general default.  I do think that a single person who desires marriage should take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask some deeper questions surrounding selfishness.  I have talked about this in my blogpost, Stretched. 

To answer the second part of the question, again yes (smile), I have become accustomed to having everything that I want, when I want. (Please note that I am speaking in relative terms.)   I think it is hard not to in some instances. There is no buffer. However, I have found that God creates buffers for me in various ways. First, when I have prayed for things in my life to manifest, those lessons to prepare me were readily available whether I recognized them or not. Secondly, if you take the initiative to create opportunities of growth for yourself, you automatically put yourself in the classroom to learn more about life and serving others.

    Some examples for me have been:

   ·         Prolonged employment search(3.5 years)

   ·         Caring for my dog (his behavior and health)

   ·         Writing the book and financing the endeavor

   ·         Committing to organizing and structuring this blog

   ·         New job responsibilities that changed my life and schedule       tremendously

   I made decisions in areas that I would not normally make because I felt
   that God was pushing me to do so.  My eyes have definitely been opened
   to the fact of how God can use simple, everyday occurrences to prune me
   into   a more mature individual, as well as Christian.”

4.    One participant stated that she sees other singles being at peace and being content while being single.  Also, in the documentary, Pastor Hale states that being content while being single is a process, it doesn't come overnight.

Can you be at peace and be content while being single? If so, how? What do you think that looks like?

My response:

“This is truly not a coincidence, as I just talked about being at peace in my last blog post, As He Sees It.  Being at peace and being content are two areas that I have been dealing with for a while. I do think that you can be at peace and be content while being single. But, it will be a journey that will look very different from someone else’s journey on the same path. 

I think that we all process being at peace and content in different ways.  By nature, I generally am an introvert, and like alone time.  I don’t have a problem with being alone for certain periods of the day. However, there are times where I think to myself that I would really like to have someone to talk to or bounce an idea off of.  Since I enjoy thinking about most anything, I sometimes just want to ask someone a question about something really random, and see what they think about it.  But, as a single person, I have to make peace with the fact that the opportunity for doing so may not be as readily available for me.

In regards to how it looks…I think that being at peace starts with acceptance. If you can not accept who or what you are, you can not develop a level of contentment with it.  Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to like it. It does mean you have to acknowledge it, and not make attempts to circumvent or change it as it stands in that moment.  I also think being content requires that you not fall apart every time you feel saddened by the fact that you are single. That is a hard pill to swallow though…accepting something you don’t like and sitting with it.

However, I think that we, as singles, should strive to attain more of a peaceful approach to the state of our singleness. If we can’t be content with where God has us now, how can we be content with what we may have for us in the future?  This is my belief…A more mature person would be able to sustain the blessing once it comes to fruition.  if he or she is able to be satisfied without it.”

5.    This question was presented in the documentary as a redundant question that many singles are asked, “Why aren't you married?” How do you deal with that question?

My response:

“To be honest, I wish people would stop asking me, or any other single person a question that we don’t have the answer to (smile).  I think that some of us may have an idea or two as to why we are not married. But to have the full and complete answer, no, I don’t presume to be that wise on the subject. 

Now, I really am not making that statement to be sarcastic. However, I think that we must be realistic in our approach to this. A better way to look at it is what is God asking or requiring of me in this season of my life.  What needs may the greater community or world at large have that I can contribute while I am single? What areas do I need to prune or lessons I need to learn before I get married?

I don’t think that there is a “best” way to deal with that question. However, you could respond by stating that you don’t have the answer, and it is all in God’s timing.  That has been how I have answered it…or simply just to laugh it off and move to another topic of conversation. I think that for me to get more comfortable with my single state, I have to stop the continual need to pick at it. I have to tell myself to stop digging in a hole that God wants to fill in this moment, or season in my life.”

6.    The narrator asked several singles this question, “Take some time to   ponder on the positive aspects of being single.” What is your response?

My response:

“Well, there are many. I think that some of the positive aspects include being able to make your own schedule in your free time.  I am able to travel or do things on a whim that may not happen if I were married. I am able to have side projects that I could not do if I had a family. I may have more disposable income, at times, to spend on just whatever I like.

For me, the top thing has been getting to know God more and learning more about my identity as a person, and as a Christ-follower.”

7.    We are all born with a hole in our souls that only God can fill. 

How would you describe how that hole looks for you? Have you struggled with filling that hole in your soul?

My response:

“Wow…yes, this question makes me really, really think.  The hole in my soul is one thing that looks different for me on a regular basis. Sometimes the hole is not even a hole, it’s like the widest landscape that you can imagine.  But sometimes that hole is not as big, and you can visibly see its borders.

The hole looks larger for me when I feel disconnected and alone. The hole looks larger for me when I am feeling overwhelmed and confused. The hole looks larger for me at night sometimes when I am trying to fall asleep. 

However, the hole looks more manageable when I look at the context of taking things day by day and minute by minute. The hole has borders when I read the Word, and talk to others that are staring at the same hole. The hole starts to fill when I listen to praise/worship music. The hole starts to fill when I look at the beauty in nature. The hole starts to fill when I remember that He loves me and nothing can change that.

Have I struggled with filling that hole…uh, yes (smile). A lot…I don’t believe that the struggle will despair until I reach eternity with Him. But, I have to remember that keeping God at the center of this crazy maze we are in is the key to all of it.”



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